Thursday, December 20, 2012

Disconnected

2013 starts in twelve days....wow.  This year has flown by, not to be cliche.  Since January 1, 2012, I have found out the gender of my second baby, given birth to her, turned 25, celebrated my two-year-old's birthday, dug deeper into my spiritual life, read a few books, watched a few movies, quit my job that I liked and started a new one that I love, become more frugal (still working on it), been there for friends and family going through times of need and times of happiness, witness the engagement of my sister to a great guy, gained and lost weight, put my house on the market (still there...), and done so many other things.  It has been a great year and a challenging year.  I have witnessed and experienced a lot of love and also a lot of challenges.

I am feeling disconnected.  Although it has been a great year, I don't feel like me.  Does that make sense to all two of you readers out there?  Hormones have gotten the best of me.  I am not one of these women who enjoyed pregnancy, I had a difficult one with Savannah.  And although I love and am very much an advocate for breastfeeding, it has gotten the best of me this time.  It is more of a challenge with Savannah than it was with Piper (as is everything else...sleep, mealtime, etc.), and it literally sucks the life out of me.  I have not felt 100% like myself since I got married.  That is because in the three years and two months that I have been married, I have only been not pregnant/breastfeeding for four of those months.  Those four months (broken apart) I felt like the old me.  I laughed at things that were funny, I felt beautiful, I acted interested in things, where as now I do not....and I hate this feeling of disconnect from myself. 

As I watched the X Factor last night, I was in awe.  I really love all three finalists.  Tate Stevens is such a good country artist and he has the sweetest smile and seems like the quintessential all-American family man.  Carly Rose Sonenclar is such a cute 13-year-old with a powerhouse voice of an angel.  And Fifth Harmony is a great group of teenage girls who met on the show that blend perfectly together.  I watched their performance of "Anything Can Happen" last night and was amazed.  I never heard the song before the show and I loved their rendition of it.  Watching them I thought, "Wow...those girls are so beautiful and so pleasant and so talented."  All the things I feel like I am not anymore.  I don't feel pretty most of the time because I don't really go many places to fix up like a diva anymore.  I love staying home, but I would love a girl's night every now and then.  I don't feel pleasant, I just feel like Debbie Downer or a pain in the rear to be around all the time.

So bring it on, 2013.  I am ready to take you on.  I am ready to get back to normal.  I am ready to strive to be beautiful (inside and out), strive to be happier, to laugh more, to play more, to connect with friends and family more, to love my husband and children even more, and to get back to Erica. 

2 comments:

  1. You are beautiful...inside and out.

    Love you much!!!

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  2. I think I was in a fog for about 7 years. I had Josh, Audrey, then miscarriage, plus all the other things that go with life. I do know that most women experience it, the problem is alot of times your friends are going through the same things, its up to us old folks to tell you it will get better, the fog will clear, it does take time, and keep life simple.

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